back to my roots?

Last night, while on a date with my hubby in downtown Boston, we had some time to kill between dinner and a movie. An art supply warehouse (Blick) happened to be sandwiched between our restaurant of choice (Chipotle) and Regal movie theater (to see Unknown)...so naturally, I wandered in. Not surprisingly, the little buzz of inspiration for creativity swelled right back into me!

Sometimes I make fun of Brigham for being so crazy about music school, but until last night I somehow abandoned the memory that I was once, too, a devoted art student, and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I loved making cool hand made things, I would do it ALL THE TIME.

I graduated 5 years ago, and aside from a few minor projects, have not touched an art supply since. Brigham and I met at CSULB, almost 10 years ago - a school I chose on impulse during art class my junior year because I heard they had the best art program. I applied nowhere else for college, and had no other aspiration at the time than to become a graphic designer. What happened to me? The only thing that I have to show for my years at school in Long Beach is now my husband.

I am concerned that I have a growing list of talents that I no longer cultivate and am missing dearly:

1. Piano

2. Spanish

3. Writing

4. Sewing

5. Art

So what have I been doing since I graduated (since I clearly have not been making anything noteworthy)? Working. Work work work. I know that Pres. Hinkley said to forget yourself and go to work, but there are moments that I don't even recognize myself because I have been working too long doing things I don't love and don't want to define me. I have become a workaholic. Marriage has helped me to find more balance and joy, but before this I filled my life with jobs, classes, practical goals, books, and anything else that would keep me plowing down my tunnel vision.

I am now realizing that the me I love (chill, creative, artsy Emily) is buried deep somewhere inside and feels cramped and wants to come up for fresh air.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, at least I have consistently had a job...and I do enjoy working. I really believe that the problem is something else. Here goes owning up: there is a huge part of me that quits developing talents because (a) it doesn't seem to produce a viable opportunity for employment [excuse] and (b) [more truthfully] I am too chicken to share my true self with the world.

You would think in the days of Lady Gaga's spectacles that it would no longer be scary to put anything out there. It is scary though- it is probably more scary now than it ever has been. I have had truly terrible experiences putting forth my honest, eccentric, bold self...in written, verbal, musical or artistic expressions, and I have had equally terrible experiences hiding it. And I will admit that in the past, I have perhaps been a tad over-the-top with certain people, but there are definitely more occasions when I didn't say enough. With art, writing, music, or basically anything that expresses genuine sentiments of who you really are, there are potentially hundreds or thousands of people who may disagree with you, dislike your work, or worse, not even notice you are there at all. And at the end of the day, you are the one who will have to own it for better or for worse.

The quiet, hesitant, shy little girl in me must intuitively have known that I needed to marry a man whose true colors and talents are in full view of any person, at any time. My true colors are about as apparent as a chameleon dragon. It is kind of amazing to play a supporting role and watch Brigham dive into his life long dream of being a musician. It is more amazing to see what can be accomplished with one dedicated push in a single direction. There is not only a daily dose of faith and practice that go into his craft; he has a simple way of just knowing that people will embrace him, and his talents, no matter what, he always has a jubilant contagious smile. I just love it. Who knows, maybe the next thing I will make is a baby! (JUST KIDDING)

Seriously though, I am so happy to be pondering again. I am ready to get back to my roots. Art Supply Store here I come.